I’m surprised to see that nobody bothered cleaning Liam’s face while he was in a coma, it’s still covered in red crap, maybe some old jam?  Bianca doesn’t seem to have noticed despite spending all day every day by his bedside.

April reckons her sister’s rediscovered her love for Liam, is it guilt or something more? April was unimpressed when she found out Bianca slept with Heath yet again. Maybe she’ll move in there now Bianca has moved on.

When Heath called over later, Bianca gave him the heave-ho, “don’t come around here no more”, she said. Heath decided to get his own back by getting locked and sleeping rough on the beach. That’ll show her.

Leah told Charlie that VJ had run away, her response, “that isn’t good”. Brilliant. She’s a genius. There’s a manhunt for Veej underway. He phoned Miles to say he can look after himself. Maybe he’ll head to the bush and be the new Crocodile Dundee.

Constable Watson suspects that Charlie is back on the Brax. Who’ll win that battle of wits?  Watson is wiley and Charlie is pretty dim, I expect the cop to cop-on to the ex-cop’s cock-up.

Hammer will be annoyed that he missed all of the fun and games in the surf club. He was stuck on a back road getting his car searched by Constable Watson while it was all going down. Heath, Brax and all the rest of the boys took on some very old looking members of Jake’s crew. They should have had mercy on them, they must be some losers if they’re still hanging around the surf club, playing at gang stuff at their age.

Sasha turned up at the hospital after Sid cancelled on her. She has something of Indi about her with her constant pouting and sarcastic jibes. Sid took her in giving us another troublesome teen to throw into the mix, just what the Bay needs. They’ll need to add some more young characters for her to hang around with, is she too old for VJ to have a crush on?

So Leah is knocked up. This is bad news for her for a number of reasons:

• She will now be super-duper flustered for at least nine months / however long a pregnancy lasts in Summer Bay
• The child will probably be as hungry as its father, which means she’ll be bankrupt before the bub is one
• Veej will no doubt have a mickey fit

Romeo’s boat got trashed, so he went off half-cocked, accusing Harvey,a fellow entrepreneur from a neighbouring berth, of doing it in an attempt to sabotage his business. He even phoned the cops. However, it turned out one of the boys at Elijah’s shelter did the nicking. Cue shame-faced Romeo trying to make it up with Harvey. Too late, Smith, for Harvey already reported the Blaxland for not having a mooring licence. But surely Alf can use his influence with the council to get one? No?

Sid and Roo and Indi and Dexter are all best buds now, after doing a bit of farm maintenance. Except this happy family to be rocked by the arrival of Sid’s ex, who Dex invited over.

Cast off Captain. Sid decided to take Roo off on a romantic cruise.  Good plan old man, only for one factor. Captain Romeo decided to bring his wife along, who hates Roo and is pissed off with her dad.  Not so relaxing and romantic after all.  Did you notice the crew wearing their formal attire?  White vests.

Nice to see Heath get his comeuppance.  Caught red-handed running from the cops with a bag full of drugs.  About time.  Only so far a brain-dead fool like him can get away with it.  Hope they lock him away for a long time.  Will it be Casey’s turn to take over the River boys now?  Maybe he’ll be passed over and they’ll go for somebody younger.  How about VJ?  He could get the blood and sand tattoo.

I’m sick of all of the Braxtons.  They are a curse on the bay.  They should eff off back to Mangrove River and never darken the diner again.  Mrs Braxton is a pain in the hole, Heath a lecherous moron, Brax a manipulative liar, only Casey has any redeeming qualities.  They’re not even bad enough to be proper villians, just annoying more than threatening.

Now Brax’s ex has turned up at the request of Ma Brax.  No doubt she’ll cause trouble between him and Charlie, who didn’t look too impressed when the ex arrived into Angelo’s.  Her mission will be threefold:

• To stop Brax getting notions above his station
• Find out who his secret girlfriend is
• Break them up

I predict failure in each task.

Miles had to give Veej “the talk”. Didn’t go that well, Veej wasn’t interested.  He should have just sat him down and explained that when you’re ready, you can “take it to the next level” with your girlfriend.  Leah seems in denial about the fact that Veej is growing up.  If the V-man could see him now, he’d be so proud.  I’m sure he is watching, sitting up in heaven, looking down, wearing a bear suit and performing hand stands.

Brax really should start listening to some Liam Murphy song lyrics.  If he did then he would learn that kisses hurt so much. Then he wouldn’t have tried to kiss Charlie, now the pain of that stolen kiss will cost him a night in the clink.  Dum Brax.

Roobs is pissed off too. Her night of illicit love with Romeo has plunged her into a self destructive spiral. She hospitalised herself with her insulin and then went into a mad sulk. She reckons Romeo took advantage of her and she wants revenge. No doubt Indy will learn the truth before long. Romeo will live to rue his lusty loins.

Did you hear VJ telling Thabo who his favourite football team are?  He said Juventus but pronounced it JEWventus.  Doesn’t sound like the writers know that much about the subject. Veej reckons everybody wants to play for them, maybe that was true in 1996 but far from reality today.

What’s up with April? She decided to break up with Xavier despite that fact that Gina gave them the all clear to continue their relationship. I think she only did it because she felt guilty over nearly killing him.

Poor Xav didn’t know if he was coming or going.  He’s not the sharpest tool in the box and went surfing in a rage. Unfortunately, he managed to anger the river boys who were also down the beach.  It nearly turned into a row but lifeguard Romeo was on hand to calm things down. But while he was preoccupied with stopping WWIII, little VJ ended up half drowned.  Xavier and Romeo will never forgive themselves if he doesn’t pull through.

Young Robert Robertson certainly pulls no punches when it comes to making romantic advances. He suggested to Leah that they move to the city together, taking Veej and becoming an all-round happy family. She said no thanks, however, as she’s still hung up on Elijah the Massive. I hope this doesn’t mean RR will feck off into the wide blue yonder.

Xavier looked up “How to make a bomb” on the school computers. The school IT guys who no-one ever sees found out. They are very thorough in their work. Anyway Gina told Xavier the cops were on to him, so he went home and poured the bomb ingredients down the sink. This caused both him and April to pass out while noxious gases snaked their way around Irene’s gaff. Gawd save Ireland, I hope it doesn’t blow up.

Well, Alf is out and he’s ready for a scrap.  He’s raging against the changes made to the surf club in his absence by the original JP.  Personally, I don’t think they’re too outrageous.  Paying for parking after four hours is fair enough.  How could you spend four solid hours in the surf club anyway?

Despite his new-found vigour, Alf has also emerged as the most forgiving man in all Australia.  First he had a chinwag to Irene, who was ready to see him locked away for life.  Then he hightailed it down to the cop shop for a tete-a-tete with Will, even convincing him to speak to Lilly before he went down.

Will turned out to be a bit of a tragic figure.  He’s off to jail and for a long time, be the sound of it.  I’m living for the day when Gypsy shows up.

Lilly seemed happy enough with her da’s explanation of what happened.  So much so that she gave Veej his first kiss.  Cute!

Morag and Colleen deserve their own spin-off show.  Their repartee is delicious.

Jaysus.  All of a sudden it’s Bianca and Vittorio’s wedding day!  Here’s what happened:

• Bianca’s makeup was shocking, like Lily drew it on with a crayon. Also she was a weird colour.
• Liam showed up looking extremely unkempt.
• Bianca jilted Vittorio at the altar and went off with Liam on his motorbike. Not surprising.
• Romeo, in an uncharacteristic move, punched Vittorio for no reason.
• Alf gave Vittorio “sling yer hook” eyes.
• Everyone started clapping!  No sympathy for the Prince.
• Gina and John saved the day by getting married instead. Eh, don’t you need paperwork down unda?  And WHAT ABOUT BANDICOOT?
• Ruby fell in love with Romeo when she spied him kissing Indi. She is a nutter.
• There were some class shapes thrown at the wedding. Special mentions go to Veej and John.
• Joanna made April go back to Europe with her.
• Nicole confessed to Marilyn that she’s pregnant. Who’re ya having it for? Penn! Oooooh!
• Robert of the House of Robertson rocked up to the wedding and arrested Alf.
• Will stormed off very guiltily.
• Sid looked confused.
• Alf looked stoic.

Was that the most dramatic episode of all time?