What the eff is going on with April?  She’s having panic attacks, is convinced she has skin cancer, and the only person she’ll talk to is Dex.  Flippin’ ‘eck.  Obvs it all stems from the whole chemical debacle.  That guilt is weighing heavy on her mind.

Casey is going to represent Summer Bay High at some Science do; plus he’s going to be tested for dyslexia.  That was all a bit too easy.  He and Xavier need to crash the car now or something, to make up for it.

Colleen dragged Morag to a victims of crime meeting.  Morag pulled some good faces, and Colleen left with a spring in her step.  She’ll be patrolling the streets of the Bay in no time.  I wonder if YCPD have a Garda Reserve equivalent?

Check this out; who do you think wears the beard best? This was sent to homeandawayireland HQ by the reader known only as Saul.

Ooh, Nicole got seduced by the glamour of college life.  She even met a nice boy at her very first college party.  Sweet.  Pity she’s up the duff.

Dr. Sid and Marilyn have agreed to look into other options, in case Nicole sees the chisler and wants it for her very own.  Sensible.  However, when they told Nicole, she threw a mickeyfit.  This storyline will probably swing back and forth until she has the baby.

I forgot that Morag and Marilyn are mates.  Flathead pointed out that Marilyn used to be Morag’s housekeeper, but that’s long before my H&A time.

Alf handed over control of the Surf Club to JP.  He’s taking some me time.  I bet he goes to visit Sally/be in a West End show.

Well, Alf is out and he’s ready for a scrap.  He’s raging against the changes made to the surf club in his absence by the original JP.  Personally, I don’t think they’re too outrageous.  Paying for parking after four hours is fair enough.  How could you spend four solid hours in the surf club anyway?

Despite his new-found vigour, Alf has also emerged as the most forgiving man in all Australia.  First he had a chinwag to Irene, who was ready to see him locked away for life.  Then he hightailed it down to the cop shop for a tete-a-tete with Will, even convincing him to speak to Lilly before he went down.

Will turned out to be a bit of a tragic figure.  He’s off to jail and for a long time, be the sound of it.  I’m living for the day when Gypsy shows up.

Lilly seemed happy enough with her da’s explanation of what happened.  So much so that she gave Veej his first kiss.  Cute!

Morag and Colleen deserve their own spin-off show.  Their repartee is delicious.

What was all that about? Will brought Morag out to a dark wood, took her phone, told her Alf didn’t kill Penn, and then drove off. It’s a brave/stupid man who abandons Justice Bellingham to the elements.

So, what’s going on? Who killed Penn? Who is Will covering for? Sure he doesn’t know anyone in the Bay apart from Irene…maybe Irene did it!

April is back from “Europe” and something is amiss. She doesn’t care that Xavier was kissing another girl, and she’s getting emails from someone called René Lisle. It’d be better if she were getting emails from René “Ménage” Artois.

Sid and Marilyn are gonna adopt Nicole’s baby. Well, Sid wants a different child, but we all know Marilyn will out. How will they like it, though, when Nicole keeps the chisler all to herself as inevitably happens in moralistic Summer Bay?

6 weeks later…

Why do the H&A writers feel the need for these time lapses?  So what’s happened in between?  Ross died and the family buried him.  Charlie and Ruby are devastated but on the upside Morag is back in town.

It appears that Indy passed her exams, maybe she’s off to college?  Dum Romeo failed his on purpose and has to repeat.  Ruby’s happy enough with that outcome as she has her eye on him.

We found out Morag has an iron will. She’ll need that will to protect Alf in his murder case. Detective Robertson didn’t look too happy with the prospect of facing her in court, rightly so too. He should be worried, Justice Bellingham on the warpath is a sight to behold.  I think he may have bitten off more than he can chew this time. It’s great to have her back.

Whoever knew Penn’s middle name was Tiberius? He’s in good company there, he shares the name with Captain Kirk.

Uh-oh.  Penn nearly died in that episode, while Alf was questioned about his bashing.  Alf was very unhelpful down the cop shop, so Charlie is banging him up.  On the plus side, he’ll need a lawyer.  We all know what that means.  MORAG.

Sid brought Penn into surgery as he was bleeding from his brain.  The operating room looked fairly flash.  I foresee more operations in Summer Bay in the future; they couldn’t let that lovely set go to waste.

Miles coerced Nicole into helping him eat a cake.  He doesn’t want to “get fat again”.  That’s self-awareness for you.

Ruby apologised to Irene for letting her take all the blame for the minor-buying-grog caper.  Leah was having none of it though.  The face on her.

Dexter got to hug a distressed Marilyn.  He nearly jizzed himself.  Later he denied all feelings for her, despite the hilarious visions of the previous episode.  Look:

What a mad episode.  Marilyn introduced her ventriloquist’s dummy, Mr. Oddley, to Alf, who had a flashback to when he was five and a puppet scared the bejaysus out of him.  Young Alf said “strike me roan” and ran into the arms of his father, who happened to be the mirror image of current Alf.  Also, Morag was a little ginger girl who was dressed as a witch – very subtle, Home and Away scriptwriters!

Angelo took a settlement outside of court and as a consequence, he’ll never work as a cop again.  He’ll just be Mr. Risotto from now on.  Serves him right anyway, for letting a known criminal escape.  To mark the occasion, he got locked, lit a bonfire on the beach, and burned his uniform.  He also burned his underwear for some reason.  Was he wearing police underwear?

“I’m no lawyer love, but it seems to me that Aden’s in a bit of strife”, proclaimed Alf to Nicole when discussing her boyfriend’s upcoming murder charge. He may not have his sister’s law skills but he has her whipped when it comes to understatements.

Marilyn has returned to the bay after 10 years away in Blighty.  But who is she and what makes her so popular in the Bay?  Here is the lowdown for those fans who don’t remember her from the first time around.

• She ran a beauty parlour out the back of the old diner and gave facials to Madge Wilkins et al.
• Marilyn used to be Morag’s housekeeper.  It provided some great comedy as they were the ultimate odd couple.  It’ll be interesting to see how they get on the next time Morag turns up in the Bay.
• Marilyn went out with Lance Smart, Colleen’s son.  Colleen seems to bear a grudge about their break up.
• Lance, Marilyn and Martin Dibble were in a band together that went national for a brief time.  I can’t remember what they were called. Lance got jealous as the press insinuated that Marilyn was going out with Martin, not Lance.  This caused the band to split up.
• Donald “Flathead” Fisher married Marilyn in an unlikely liaison. They had a baby called Byron but he sadly passed away.  His poor parents were distraught and Marilyn got depressed and fled to London. Irene and Flathead went to look for her.  Their method of searching involved touring the city on an open top bus. Preposterous as this may sound, they managed to find her.

It’s good to have her back and I’m sure she’ll provide us with much hilarity.  She seems to have ditched her habit of wearing tiny backpacks as handbags.