Methodical? Never.

Mysterious? Sometimes.

Misunderstood? Often

Monogamous? Rarely.

Moron? Always.

Martha.  Summer bay is a poorer place without it’s resident wild card. You can say many things about her but life was never dull with her around. It’s hard to know where to start with her.

She arrived in town with a flash when Jack dared her to streak naked along the seafront.  Alf was unimpressed but he had to get used to these kind of shenanigans from his grand daughter.  She later went onto appear in a strip club as a pole dancer which was classic H&A viewing.  She wasn’t slow in showing her assets.

Yes, it was never dull with old Martha.  She was the subject of regular kidnappings, attempted murder, car crashes, cancer, miscarriages and any kind of disaster going really.  The bay will miss it’s resident queen of drama.

She knew when to fight for what was right, such as when she saved Tasha from Mama Rose and the cult.  She also knew when to forgive and forget with Jonah’s past and Hugo’s people smuggling.  Bit of a goldfish memory.

Martha had a talent for making snap decisions.  This is what made herself and Jack such a good match.  Life changing choices like “I’m going to buy a farm”, “I’m adopting Bum bum” or “I’m leaving the bay” would be made in space of a lunch hour.  It would often be followed by the rational of “I’ve thought about it” –  for a whole five minutes, went unsaid.

What of her lovers?  Let us count the names.  I’ll start with Jack. I wonder if we can name them all?

So Hugo’s not dead after all.  It was an elaborate ruse to catch Suzy.  I hope it feckin’ works.  Also, who’s to say they didn’t do the same thing with Jack?  Hmmmmm?  Maybe we should let go of that one.

Why did Alf have to know?  This is all going to backfire.  He’ll tell Colleen at some Stewart soiree and then the cats in the street will find out.

Xavier got loads of dosh from his cowardly scumbag brother.  Maybe he’ll take up dealing again.

Miles has a new mate.  I thought she might be imaginary but maybe not.

Well, Hugo got off in the end, he’s gone to the big people-smuggling depot in the sky.  He was a crap villain anyway.

Angelo survived getting shot in the head, he’s just like that fella, Kurt Cobain.  How did he survive that?*

I do believe Martha said at one point, “I don’t know what’s going on”, which I thought was default mode for her.  She forgave Angelo for shooting Jack anyway.

Bungbung/Bangbang/Bumbum has gone back to his dad now that he has learned English and how to play the guitar.  Those guys are going to go far.  Martha looked pretty sad.  After all, she just lost a farm slave.

So, that’s the end of the mystery.  It was a long time coming and was quite good in the end.  I don’t really think it’s CHANGED SUMMER BAY FOREVER though.

*See Father Ted

Ooh Aden brought a moany bird to the formal and ended up with Silvery Nicole the whole night.    Only, when he was about to go in for the kill, he was reminded of Belle and went nuts.  Nicole and Liam had their “I respect you, I won’t rush you” talk for about the fifth time.  Snoooooooooooze.

Martha found an engagement ring.  It took her about twenty seconds before she copped on.  Meanwhile, across town, Hugo was staring at a picture of Martha and Jack on their wedding day for ages.  WHAT DOES HE KNOW?  IS JACK STILL ALIVE?

Suzy tried to lure Hugo back to Indonesia.  Eff off Suzy.

Rachel is a pain in the hoop. You’d think she’d be delighted to have the negligence case sorted, but no, she just looked annoyed that she had nothing to moan about. Then Tony brought Harry to the diner to introduce him to Auntie Colleen, and Rachel nearly lost her reason. She’d want to watch herself or topless Tony (did you see that?) will be packing Harry up for good.

Martha is certainly acting like a happy spa these days. Better that than weepy and confused I suppose.

Those were crafty tactics by Morag, using Ross’s Alzheimer’s to try to get to the bottom of the baby mystery. But Charlie had a trick up her sleeve as well, saying her baby had died when in fact she was sitting opposite with a gaping mouth that would catch all the flies in Oz.  I suppose it’s her cop training that allows her to think so quickly, but Jack would never have thought of that.

Poor Charlie all the same, it looks like her journey to the next level wasn’t as consensual as most.

Q. Why does Martha always wear cowboy boots?
A. Because they don’t have laces which she finds too complicated.

Q. How long did Martha grieve over Jack before getting into bed with Hugo?
A. At least 2 weeks.

Q. How was Rachel going to make medical history yesterday?
A. By performing a c-section on her own stomach.

Martha is thick as a brick; she couldn’t figure out why Hugo would rather face the worst downpour Summer Bay has ever seen than stay the night.  Then she stood open-mouthed when he explained that he shouldn’t have feelings for her as he was Jack’s cousin and she was Jack’s wife.  You could almost see the cogs attempting to turn.  “Jack”, she was probably thinking, “who was he again?”.  I think she’s been taking tips from Charlize Theron on how to play a MRF.

Rachel has another string to her medical bow I see; she’s now an optometrist as well as everything else.

So Claudia’s up the duff.  Imagine if Geoff was your da, he’d agonise over every decision.

Irene’s lawyer is beyond rubbish; she can’t even organise a trial date.  Irene’ll have drunk the prison dry by the time she gets around to it.

Colleen played a blinder in that episode.  Not only did she proclaim to Hugo that there was a “killer fish” about (thus providing him with an excuse for his wound), she also referred to Angelo as Officer Risotto again.

What is Hugo playing at?  He’s soooo mysterious.  He gets badly wounded, heads home, crawls around on the floor for a while, has a chat with Colleen, and only then does he decide to go to hospital.  Then, he lies about his wound, saying it was a shark bite, which handily ties in with Colleen’s theory.  Rachel wasn’t convinced though.  She should join SBPD.

Martha built up the courage to tell Angelo he’s a disgrace to the uniform.  She forgot that Jack insulted the uniform every time he wore it, with his flagrant disregard for the law.

Flippin’ heck, something or someone has taken a fair lump out of Hugo.  That’ll teach him to go off on his own.  I suppose he hasn’t been in Summer Bay long enough to know about the curse – go on a trip and disaster ensues.

Why is Angelo trying to get Martha on her own?  Is it to say “Calm down love, Jack’s alive”?

Well, if anything gave away the fact that Sarge Holden is still in the land of the living, it was the lads running up a hill with the coffin.  Sure there was nothing in that at all.

Good fighting by Tony, even if he did miss every swing.  He had passion in his eyes.  We all like it when Tony gets passionate.

Angelo must be some class of mentalist.  Off he went to the funeral to do a reading, and then back to the house for a wake!  Well, he’s got his comeuppance now.

Glory be, Morag is back.  She topped up the hair dye and the mad lipstick and took to consoling Martha with gusto.  Whatever did they do without her?

I see Rachel has her hand on her belly a lot these days.  That’s a sure sign that she’s pregnant.  She probably won’t remove it now till the sprog has sprung.