Hurray, Home and Away madness is back!  Today’s episode started with the ominous title “Six months ago”, and a shady figure having a great oul’ laugh at Alf on that documentary where he laments the hoons who’ve ruined his town.  Fast forward to the present day and there’s a strange new character at the diner chatting up Irene.  Strewth.  He seems to be a new love interest for Nicole (at least those are her intentions) but I bet he’s going to CHANGE THE BAY FOREVER.

That aside, there’s a “sexy” love triangle going on between Gina, John and Jill.  Very alliterative.  Jill wants John, John wants Gina but will make do with Jill, and Gina’s not sure if she wants John, but she definitely doesn’t want Jill to have him.  Romeo’s on Gina’s side, apparently she’s like a mother to him.  Phew.

Marilyn has returned to the bay after 10 years away in Blighty.  But who is she and what makes her so popular in the Bay?  Here is the lowdown for those fans who don’t remember her from the first time around.

• She ran a beauty parlour out the back of the old diner and gave facials to Madge Wilkins et al.
• Marilyn used to be Morag’s housekeeper.  It provided some great comedy as they were the ultimate odd couple.  It’ll be interesting to see how they get on the next time Morag turns up in the Bay.
• Marilyn went out with Lance Smart, Colleen’s son.  Colleen seems to bear a grudge about their break up.
• Lance, Marilyn and Martin Dibble were in a band together that went national for a brief time.  I can’t remember what they were called. Lance got jealous as the press insinuated that Marilyn was going out with Martin, not Lance.  This caused the band to split up.
• Donald “Flathead” Fisher married Marilyn in an unlikely liaison. They had a baby called Byron but he sadly passed away.  His poor parents were distraught and Marilyn got depressed and fled to London. Irene and Flathead went to look for her.  Their method of searching involved touring the city on an open top bus. Preposterous as this may sound, they managed to find her.

It’s good to have her back and I’m sure she’ll provide us with much hilarity.  She seems to have ditched her habit of wearing tiny backpacks as handbags.

Yippee, Marilyn is back and she brought a stray with her!  It’s Justin Jeffries, Aden’s brother.  I wonder if he’ll move into Nicole’s house?

Alf and Irene explained to some of the blow-ins who Marilyn is.  Colleen is holding a grudge because Marilyn dumped Lancey – fair enough, he was an amazing catch.

Xavier wants to live with Martha.  For some reason he seems to like slavery.

Annie’s back from Japan with a “Ohayo gozaimasu” for Irene who’s missed her terribly.  It’s been hard for Irene with Geoff gone and Annie away but now the younger Campbell is back, but for how long?

It seems her trip to the far east hasn’t lessened her feelings for Romeo, or vice versa.  Sure didn’t he think about her every day? Now it’s up to him to persuade her to stay in town and not head back away again for another three months. How will he manage it?  If I were him I’d ask her to join him in a prayer marathon that will last three months.  There’s no way she could turn that down.

Building on the bonza idea that Drew’s Shrew had about a cross-over Home and Away/Heroes show, commenter Sorry for being a crazy dingo has given us a deadly list of Home and Away character super-powers:

1. ALF – grows gills when he jumps in the water and swims underwater, like a fish which is kind of ironic.
2. COLLEEN – able to speak any language at will and talk to animals, that means she can gossip with anyone or anything.
3. MILES – the ability to eat food without ever getting full. (Sounds like a crappy superpower, but in later seasons he will discover he has a psychic conscience named Rabbit).
4. NICOLE – the ability to attract any person at will with her beauty.
5. JAI – the ability to be invincible.
6. IRENE – the ability to attract troubled children into her lair.
7. ANGELO – the ability to cause amnesia to others (everyone, including Martha, seems to have forgiven him for killing Jack and covering up the murder).
8. CHARLIE – the ability to change sexuality at will.
9. RUBY – the ability to screech so loud, it causes one’s ears to bleed.
10. GINA – the ability to convince people that she’s actually Tony’s sister and not his grandmother.
11. XAVIER – the same ability as Ruby.
12. MARTHA – the ability to never grieve and be constantly sexually promiscuous.
13. LIAM – the ability to be completely forgotten about only few months after being an Australian megastar.
14. ADEN – the same ability as Martha.
15. LEAH – the ability to be as sexy as Penelope Cruz but no-one in town appearing to notice.mink
16. RACHEL – the ability to heal, in all areas of medicine.
17. TONY – the ability of super strength.
18. ROMEO – the ability to to…eh…surf…REALLY REALLY WELL. (That one sucked).
19. MINK – the ability to stare at someone and kill them. What a bad ass!
20. VJ – the ability to shoot water bombs from his hands.
21. MORAG – the ability to be the best lawyer ever.
22. RABBIT – the ability to rise from the dead, be psychic and make herself invisible to all but Miles.

What do you reckon?  Do you have any others to add?

Mink thought she was dead hard telling Xavier about her crime of passion.  Sure murder is nothing special in Summer Bay.  In fact, it’s the least of the local worries – top of that list is finding a spot on the beach to sit and think about your woes.

Leah has caught the Alf bug and then some; she’s falling apart.  There she was, sitting on the floor, roaring crying.  Maybe she was trying to recreate the riot scenes.  That’s what she did then too.  She should invite Irene, Ruby and Colleen around to complete the picture.

Geoff gave Ruby a good telling-off.  Her moaning about how she was to blame for the riot tipped him over the edge.  I don’t think fairy lights will win him around this time.

Strewth mate, who were those hoons who wrecked the diner?  And Hasim?  Alf didn’t seem to recognise them.

Alf’s like Summer Bay’s John McClane*, putting out fires and setting things right.  He’s really disappointed in his town.  I thought he might burn the Aussie flag on the barbie.

Where were Supercops Charlie and Angelo when this was all going on?  How come Ruby didn’t ring them instead of Aussie 999?  She has the direct line, after all.  Anyway the ambos showed up a few hours into the siege.

Also, why did Leah, Colleen, Irene and Ruby just sit in the kitchen while the two gents played Fireman Sam?

Miles’s imaginary friend Rabbit is psychic.  That means Miles is psychic.  I love a good mad storyline in Home and Away.  This is like Sixth Sense or Fight Club.  I hope there’s a montage later where it shows Miles talking to no-one.  All we need now is Aboriginal Alf to show up and we’re laughing.

*That’s him below

Irene is ridiculously sound.  Not only does she put up with her dead fella’s ex, she gives her advice on how to cope with being newly released from jail.  Donna is a mess.  She couldn’t drink at home because it was “so empty” so she went from the bottlo straight to Irene’s also-empty house.  Plus, she’s canonised Dead Lou in her mind and is pining for him.  Anyway, as Sarah pointed out on our Facebook page, Donna is the Aussie Debbie Magee.  In that case, she’ll have a magician husband waiting at home for her.  Maybe he was at a meeting with the Magic Circle and that’s why the house was “so empty”.

Arrrrggggh to Martha and Hugo.  At this stage, I couldn’t care less if they were kidnapped by the people-smugglers and sold to the highest bidder.

Watch this and you will be too.  We often thought about dubbing Home and Away, but this fecker got there first:

Irene and all!  How will I cope now Annie is gone?  How will Romeo cope?  Why was Colleen bawling if they’re only going for six months?

So many questions.

Also, why didn’t Nicole set the alarm herself.  Liam is hardly the most trustworthy.

At least Leah didn’t make Kirsty sick.  The diner would have gone to rack and ruin if she had.