Methodical? Never.

Mysterious? Sometimes.

Misunderstood? Often

Monogamous? Rarely.

Moron? Always.

Martha.  Summer bay is a poorer place without it’s resident wild card. You can say many things about her but life was never dull with her around. It’s hard to know where to start with her.

She arrived in town with a flash when Jack dared her to streak naked along the seafront.  Alf was unimpressed but he had to get used to these kind of shenanigans from his grand daughter.  She later went onto appear in a strip club as a pole dancer which was classic H&A viewing.  She wasn’t slow in showing her assets.

Yes, it was never dull with old Martha.  She was the subject of regular kidnappings, attempted murder, car crashes, cancer, miscarriages and any kind of disaster going really.  The bay will miss it’s resident queen of drama.

She knew when to fight for what was right, such as when she saved Tasha from Mama Rose and the cult.  She also knew when to forgive and forget with Jonah’s past and Hugo’s people smuggling.  Bit of a goldfish memory.

Martha had a talent for making snap decisions.  This is what made herself and Jack such a good match.  Life changing choices like “I’m going to buy a farm”, “I’m adopting Bum bum” or “I’m leaving the bay” would be made in space of a lunch hour.  It would often be followed by the rational of “I’ve thought about it” –  for a whole five minutes, went unsaid.

What of her lovers?  Let us count the names.  I’ll start with Jack. I wonder if we can name them all?

Martha and Hugo have left the bay like “Bonnie and Clive” according to Colleen. They went on the run after another near death experience with Hugo involved. This time is was the crook cop Eaves who took a pop at Hugo but only managed to clip him in the leg. Charlie and Angelo managed to apprehend bent Eaves and bring him to justice. Making it a good day for the law in the bay, they also arrested people smuggler Hugo and his enabler Martha. But for some reason, Sergeant Risotto decided to release the pair of them so they could go on the run. Away with them, the single men of the bay will sleep easy with Martha gone.

Hmm, not sure what to make of Alf and Marilyn going on a date.  Although, they would be a humorous couple.  Marilyn could get into scrapes and Alf could grumble about “that flamin’ woman”.

Marilyn does like an older man, too.  But it might be a bit weird seeing as Flathead and Alf are best buds.

What about Elijah’s ma?  She’s a proper wagon, and the da is totally henpecked.  Poor Leah.  Sure she’s skin and bone as it is.  Dunno how she managed to give birth to VJ at all.

Edit: I forgot to mention the Hugo storyline, maybe because it’s COMPLETELY BORING.  Anyway there’s a new cop in town, he killed the kidnapper with the weird accent, and now he’s after Hugo. Snoooooooooze.

“You guys are smart and Martha’s even smarter than you”. Xavier knows how to insult his brother.  Talk about a backhanded compliment.

Apparently John Palmer is drop dead gorgeous, according to Jill anyway.  But that whole hiding in the bedroom from Gina story is pretty boring.  No doubt there will be confusion and rows when Jill gets discovered.

Hugo nearly got his entire family killed but Rachel seems to be the only one who give a damn about it.  The rest of them aren’t too bothered at all despite the fact they were nearly drowned and shot by the guy with the shotgun and a confused accent.  Thankfully, Tony ambushed him with a rock from behind after Hugo ran him over.  Now he’s banged up in the YCPD station and is looking at some hard time plus 1000 questions from Angelo.

I don’t know how Angelo is going to fit in time for a relationship with Charlie.  He’s far too obsessed with Hugo to leave room for a girlfriend, even if she is one who likes doing her ironing in her silver underwear.

What is the story with the kidnapper’s accent? Where is he supposed to be from? Is he Irish, welsh or Australian?  His powers of persuasion were impressive, Gina got in to the car with him without batting an eyelid.  Yet again, Hugo has got his family in big trouble. He’s a walking disaster zone.

Well Hugo is back big-stylee now.  Martha took him straight back into her arms without a word about his people-smuggling.  At least Gina gave him a dressing-down for being a massive criminal.

The Austins are surprisingly adept at fobbing off the bobbies.  Love how Xavier said “It’s the cops” when Angelo and Charlie came to the door, as if he’d never met them before.   Anyway Gina cranked up her headmistress skills and YCPD were slinking out with their tails between their legs.

Gina was nice to Miles, though, even if she was delivering the bad news that he might not get his job back at the school.  Bet he doesn’t think Rabbit was so deadly now.

Apparently Aden has left.  I totally missed that; I must have been making a cup of tea or something.  The exits are very swift these days.  Nicole is totally over it though, Liam Murphy sorted her out with some bonza advice.  By the by, they now have a ping-pong table in the caravan park.  Bounce.

What a dramatic few days in Summer Bay.  Rabbit helped Miles rescue Leah, Elijah, and a rake of kids from being gassed on their school trip.  Somehow this meant that it was time for Rabbit to leave.  So she headed off with her ma down the beach.  Poor Miles was in bits over it.  There was no explanation of Rabbit’s psychic powers though.  I think we should put this in the Alf-as-aborigine box and accept we’ll never know the answer.

Nicole, being egged on by Justin, broke up with Aden as he wouldn’t say he loved her.  So he went off into the wide blue yonder with Justin.  No doubt he’ll join the army too.

Hugo’s back.  Martha decided everyone should know that he is in witness protection so she told Xavier and then went down the diner to tell everyone else.  She did it in the same room as Colleen; she must have the memory of a goldfish.  Anyway then Xavier told Ruby, and later met Hugo on a random road in the Bay.  Hugo was sporting some fine stubble and hiding under a hat.  The bad guys will never look there.

It was a day of revelations in the Bay. Firstly, we had both Aden and his brother Justin trying to take the wrap for burying the Dad’s body affair. Each one is trying to keep the other one out of it but ultimately they’ll be found out.  Sure lies never last long in the Bay.

Then we had Alf and Angelo get sprung talking about Hugo in front of Martha.  If braindead super sleuth Martha can figure out that you’re keeping secrets then you’re really in trouble.  Hugo’s cover will be blown in no time once Martha finds out the truth.  I hope his witness protection scheme is better than Vinny’s: a farm worker who moonlighted as a teddy bear at children’s parties and died from sceptic wounds, suffered in a farming accident.  You couldn’t make it up.

I don’t really understand why she’s upset about his death again now.  It’s like she forgot about him for a few months then remembered who he was all of a sudden.  Didn’t they break up before he “died” anyway?

Annie and Romeo are now officially in love.  The oul light-a-few-candles-and-set-up-a-discoball trick worked.  They’re love’s young dream.

Ruby has a new love interest herself. Mega-rocker Liam Murphy is giving her singing lessons, and he’s fairly hands-on.  Of course he doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into, but he mightn’t mind too much.  We haven’t seen an illicit love affair in ages (Leah and Elijah doesn’t count).

Martha has recently remembered that Hugo is “dead” and her family are concerned for her state of mind.  Alf told Angelo he wanted to tell all, but Serge Risotto convined him to keep schtum.  Then the crafty copper went round to Martha’s with a pizza and the world’s strongest wine – the pair of them were locked after half a bottle.  Oops.  Meanwhile, Hugo hasn’t checked in with witness protection and is living in a dungeon somewhere with only Martha’s photo for company.  No good can come of this.