Ooh, the writers of Home and Away are toying with our emotions, and no mistake. The Family Palmer were as happy as possible, and Jett was being as cute as possible, so of course something had to go wrong. Gina had some class of aneurysm. You know things are bad when you start seeing yourself as an apparition.

At least she remembered one of her other sons before disaster struck. I was half-expecting her to answer the phone with a “Xavier who?”. Poor Bandicoot and Hugo don’t get a look in.

Marilyn foresaw it all, of course. She’ll be feeling mega-guilty for days now.

Dex felt bad for taking it to the next level in the hospital. He’s obviously never seen Grey’s Anatomy. April, spurred on by the positive-thinking-vibes of her recent girls’ night, confronted him and wished him luck in the future. He just looked confused.

Four pretty boring storylines there:

• April found out Dex was sleeping with The Nurse. She didn’t realise it was really over.
• Maddie told Spencer he can go home if he wants, but she’s not going.
• Natalie has given up her Braxton Ban big-stylee
• Brax is pursuing Ricky, who seems to be a wildlife photographer.

Rosie was raped by “Mullens”, after a pash in his car. She went straight to Sasha, who should be the town counsellor instead of Natalie. After a face-off with Mullens, who seems to think he did nothing wrong, they went to the police. There are no local characters down the cop shop anymore, so maybe her case will be handled correctly. Fingers crossed.

Sid told Sash and Dex about Romeo. Dex told April. It’ll spread like wildfire.

In his grief, Dex managed to score his nurse mate. He told April that being friends wasn’t working out, and that they should avoid each other. She’s not impressed.

Spencer took off with his brother, who so boring I can’t remember his name. Harvey is mega-worried. He sees Spencer as a reincarnation of his dead son Ben, not literally, but he likes having a son figure about. It’s gas how Maddie and Spencer arrived about a month ago, and now Harvey says he doesn’t know what he’d do if Spence left. Ah, relax.

Maddie is taking up life-saving, with Jett. Will there be a near-drowning incident?

Gina took some tablets for a headache. No-one in the Bay ever has minor ailments. Also, the Palmer family is a bit too happy. They’ve almost adopted Jett.

Natalie’s fella (who is also so boring I can’t remember his name) wants a job from Gina, but his crim record is getting in the way. Sickener, Teach.

P.S. Dr. Sid tweeted us!

@homeandawayie that is very much appreciated morag .. Xx

— Rob Mammone (@RobMammone) May 7, 2013

For a second there, I thought I was watching the wrong show. Between April and dishy doctor-teacher Jake (Twomey?), and Dex and his prankster nurse, it was like being back in Seattle Grace. Are there a few intra-medical romances coming our way? I do hope so.

Casey and Tamara moved in together, in a gaff that Brax had but never used. You could’ve put one of your many house guests in there, Darryl. There was a bit of nudiness, then Casey broke out the moodboards, and decorated the place. He has a real knack. The first interior designer River Boy.

Romeo has my heart broke already. He is croaky, he is bewildered, and he still hasn’t told Indi. Bit mean of him to keep asking his buds to keep his secret, and isn’t he wasting time, the very commodity he’s so concerned about?

Liam Murphy is actually leaving now. He’s giving it another go with Ash. Is that the son or the ex-wife? Either way, tomorrow is probably his last episode, if he obeys the rules of the Summer Bay Time Warp.

The cops showed up after Heath kept Darcy out of school, so Bianca suggested he go to therapy, in order to show Connie he’s a new man and well capable of taking care of his daughter. In the words of Gob Bluth, this is priceless. Imagine Heath in therapy!

Therapist: Mr. Braxton, you are a very angry man.

Heath: I don’t give a stuff.

Therapist: Where do you think this anger is coming from?

Heath: Work it out for yourself, genius.

In other news, I can’t figure Dex and April out at all. They’re together, they’re not together, they’re friends, they’re not friends, it’s ok to study together, it’s not ok to study together ahhhhhh.

April invited some very cool dude to study with her. He thought it was a date. Cringe. Then Dex showed up. Double cringe. It transpired that they are buds from chess club. Triple cringe – for them hahahaahah.

It’s all ok again in the caravan park, after the Next Level Debacle. I reckon Alf will start stoning flamin’ crows if Roo doesn’t stop being so dramatic.

Maddie and Spencer are back in town. He arrived first, and Roo sent him packing in search of his true love. His true love, however, showed up 15 minutes later, so there was a dramatic “stop the bus!” moment. Spencer’s dad then showed up at the caravan park to demand his son’s return. Best of luck with that, daddio.

Tilda is being an awful dickhead to poor oul’ Jett. She gave him another dig in the stomach, but this time John Palmer showed up. Hopefully she will get her comeuppance now.

Dex and April broke up again. She is heading off to college, so that’s probably the last we’ll see of her.

For some reason, April couldn’t go to Rag Week at Uni, so Dex threw her a toga party. Then they had a row. But first, Rosie flashed Casey, Dex did a striptease, Sid saw him, they had a blue, and Dr. Walker went off to drink in a ditch.

Deadly party.

Casey is out, fully bashed. Brax is proud of him for standing up to the bold boys in prison. AND, Casey is going to do the HSC…again.

Argh, Brax is great at being threatening. He warned Jamie that he would be a goner if Heath had died all at sea. It didn’t take long for Jamie’s great plan to be unravelled. Now, where has Heath gone? Surely he couldn’t have used his mighty tattooed biceps to swim all the way to Summer Bay?

Kyle gave a great speech about second chances; he earned 200 Brax-points for that.

Everyone was happy about Dr. April, except for Dex, who was worried he’d be left behind. The couple had a good chinwag and all is well.

Bianca is such a selfish wagon, it’s hilarious. She barely acknowledged April’s great news, and slunk off to her room. Then, when she got some good news herself, she was all chat, about herself of course.

Even when someone is doing Haaaavey a favour, he’s a moany waste of space. Now his “mate” Winston has kidnapped him, as part of a buck’s night caper. Hope they don’t accidentally drive off Stewart’s Point…(fingers crossed)!

Jamie is still hanging around, being weird. He is pretending to be Veej on iChat, so Jett will get Leah’s location out of Liam. Phew. Good continuation of storyline, in fairness.

Marilyn hasn’t organised Roo’s hen; she totally forgot. Bet ten million euros they go to Angelo’s.

Lisa exited stage left. She told Sid she will break up with Neil, but wants to put some distance between herself and the Walkers first. Looks like Dex will be getting a new physio.

Did yis hear Sally’s coming back?

It was Casey’s last night in the Bay as a free man (maybe), so the Brothers Braxton decided to show him a good time. By getting pizzas, cans, and playing video games all night, followed by an early morning, tatts-out swim. Then Brax got the call that the verdict was in…

Romeo and Dex had their own, less raucous, boys’ night down the hospital. Romeo made up an unlikely story, but the Walkers and April bought it. The doc couldn’t find the cause of Dex’s seizure, so that’s that, until Sid and Indi find out and go bananas.

Bianca went to visit Rocco’s grave. Shortly afterwards, Irene asked her, “Will you be ok now, girlie, bub, gawd save Ireland?”. Expecting some speedy grief resolution there, Irene.