Mohamed Ali, Chris Eubank and Barry McGuigan are all getting a flight down under as they heard about the impending grudge match between Tony and John Palmer.  It’s a no holds barred  bitter bashathon.  Somebody’s going down, way down.  This is going to be brutal…

Only it wasn’t.  In reality the fight consisted of two middle aged men prancing around the ring, trash talking but not actually fighting.  Poor Coleen got bored being the referee, waiting for the fight to start and walked away.  The two prospective pugilists pulled the plug and the whole collapsed into farce.  Hopefully that’s the end of this storyline now and we can all move on with our lives.  Rachel will be thrilled that there were no bashings.

Poor Elijah got an earful from Colleen when he visited the Diner.  She decided to ask his advice about her Marilyn doubts but used aliases to protect the innocent and guilty.  Colleen told him of her friend “Collette” who knew a floozy called “Sharilyn”.  Collette was the only one who wasn’t taken in by Sharilyn.  Collette recognised that she didn’t care whose life she ruined and whose heart she broke.    Elijah suggested Collette ask herself “what would Jesus do?”  Colleen recognised that Jusus was kind to Mary Magdalene but she “had given up her life of debauchery, I doubt that’s the case with Sharilyn”.

Classic Colleen.

Plus, Marilyn was visited by Rabbit in a dream.  Rabbit introduced her to Dead Byron, who didn’t look like Flathead at all.  Rabbit also led Marilyn to Miles, who was mid-graffiti.  How will Marilyn break the news that he’s a nutter?

Strewth mate, who were those hoons who wrecked the diner? And Hasim? Alf didn’t seem to recognise them.

Alf’s like Summer Bay’s John McClane*, putting out fires and setting things right. He’s really disappointed in his town. I thought he might burn the Aussie flag on the barbie.

Where were Supercops Charlie and Angelo when this was all going on? How come Ruby didn’t ring them instead of Aussie 999? She has the direct line, after all. Anyway the ambos showed up a few hours into the siege.

Also, why did Leah, Colleen, Irene and Ruby just sit in the kitchen while the two gents played Fireman Sam?

Miles’s imaginary friend Rabbit is psychic. That means Miles is psychic. I love a good mad storyline in Home and Away. This is like Sixth Sense or Fight Club. I hope there’s a montage later where it shows Miles talking to no-one. All we need now is Aboriginal Alf to show up and we’re laughing.

*That’s him below

So Hugo’s not dead after all.  It was an elaborate ruse to catch Suzy.  I hope it feckin’ works.  Also, who’s to say they didn’t do the same thing with Jack?  Hmmmmm?  Maybe we should let go of that one.

Why did Alf have to know?  This is all going to backfire.  He’ll tell Colleen at some Stewart soiree and then the cats in the street will find out.

Xavier got loads of dosh from his cowardly scumbag brother.  Maybe he’ll take up dealing again.

Miles has a new mate.  I thought she might be imaginary but maybe not.

How long are Kirsty and Kane going to keep treating Ollie as a bit of old rope?  One of them steals him from the other who subsequently robs him back. Sure the poor creature doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

Is Colleen the most formal person in Austrailia?  She addresses Charlie by her full title of Senior Constable Buckton. In keeping with this modus operandi, she should call Martha “ex pole dancer McKensie” and Rachel “Dr/Surgeon/Psychologist Armstrong”.

“I’d love to tear that woman limb from limb” was what Colleen said when she heard about Bridget lying to all in the bay. But who would win in a scrap? Colleen has the low centre of gravity and would be hard to knock off her feet. Plus she’s been around the block (bush) a few times and has surely a few tricks up her sleeve.

Bridget is wiley. You couldn’t take your eye off her for a second or she’d have it out of your head. Plus you can’t trust a word she says. Given how gullible Colleen is, I’d have to say that my money would be on Bridget losing the fight but winning the war by tricking Colleen into thinking she has an order for table 6 and then taking advantage while her back is turned. Game over mate.

“I’ve never sent a false pretext in my life” was what Colleen said to Betty in the Diner as they spied on Morag.

I have been of the opinion for some time that Home and Away should develop a number of spin off series. Here are a few ideas on what they might be.

“Justice Bellingham PI” – Morag interferes and meddles in all manner of legal shenaningans. She never fails to uncover those who are trying to pull an illegal fast one.

“The bear essentials” – By day Vinnie Patterson journeys around children’s parties dressed as a bear. By night he goes out to the bush and leads a sleuth of bears in a never-ending quest for honey.

“Blunderers in blue” – Jack and Fitzy investigate local crime but invariably make a mess of it. Jack ignores every rule in the book and discusses his cases openly in the diner or the surf club. They somehow catch their suspects and Jack gets a dressing down from the Sarge who says that he’s in the last chance saloon. “Fitzy and Jack: pathetic” could be an alternative title.

“Auld ones” – Colleen Smart and Madge Wilkins present a lifestyles magazine show. Cooking tips, fashion advise on mad outfits and any gossip doing the rounds is dispensed with gusto.