Ooh, the writers of Home and Away are toying with our emotions, and no mistake. The Family Palmer were as happy as possible, and Jett was being as cute as possible, so of course something had to go wrong. Gina had some class of aneurysm. You know things are bad when you start seeing yourself as an apparition.

At least she remembered one of her other sons before disaster struck. I was half-expecting her to answer the phone with a “Xavier who?”. Poor Bandicoot and Hugo don’t get a look in.

Marilyn foresaw it all, of course. She’ll be feeling mega-guilty for days now.

Dex felt bad for taking it to the next level in the hospital. He’s obviously never seen Grey’s Anatomy. April, spurred on by the positive-thinking-vibes of her recent girls’ night, confronted him and wished him luck in the future. He just looked confused.

Is Chris the Iago of the Bay? He’s managed to set Maddy and Spencer against each other, convincing each that the other person is mad with them. The gullible pair fell for his lies unsurprisingly. Roo said enough is enough and it was time to interfere; they set them up on a picnic so they could sort things out. They chatted and realised that Chris set them up, the fools. All sorted now anyway, well done Roo and Harvey. They told Chris to shove it until he sobbed about having too much expectations from the oldies, so Spencer told him to stick around, which he’s going to do. Can’t say I’m too happy about that, he’s a pretty annoying character.

Sasha is being a good mate to Rosie but it’s a tough burden for her young shoulders. She needs to see a counsellor but is unwilling to do so. April suggested that she talk to Bianca given that she was “attacked” before. Rosie’s solution was to get pizza and have a girls night, which isn’t quite the same thing but a start I suppose.

Heath is coming up with a new plan to get custody of Darcy. He needs to get a DNA test to show that he is the father but they need Connie to agree to it, which will be tough going. Heath is now great mates with Zac after they punched and made up on Friday. He’s the brains of the operation as he managed to convince Heath not to put in false allegations against Connie. Heath got a new tattoo that says “Darcy nipple Rocco”, but he’s going to leave his daughter be with Connie for now, she can come to look for him when she’s ready.

Four pretty boring storylines there:

• April found out Dex was sleeping with The Nurse. She didn’t realise it was really over.
• Maddie told Spencer he can go home if he wants, but she’s not going.
• Natalie has given up her Braxton Ban big-stylee
• Brax is pursuing Ricky, who seems to be a wildlife photographer.

Rosie was raped by “Mullens”, after a pash in his car. She went straight to Sasha, who should be the town counsellor instead of Natalie. After a face-off with Mullens, who seems to think he did nothing wrong, they went to the police. There are no local characters down the cop shop anymore, so maybe her case will be handled correctly. Fingers crossed.

Sid told Sash and Dex about Romeo. Dex told April. It’ll spread like wildfire.

In his grief, Dex managed to score his nurse mate. He told April that being friends wasn’t working out, and that they should avoid each other. She’s not impressed.

Spencer took off with his brother, who so boring I can’t remember his name. Harvey is mega-worried. He sees Spencer as a reincarnation of his dead son Ben, not literally, but he likes having a son figure about. It’s gas how Maddie and Spencer arrived about a month ago, and now Harvey says he doesn’t know what he’d do if Spence left. Ah, relax.

Maddie is taking up life-saving, with Jett. Will there be a near-drowning incident?

Gina took some tablets for a headache. No-one in the Bay ever has minor ailments. Also, the Palmer family is a bit too happy. They’ve almost adopted Jett.

Natalie’s fella (who is also so boring I can’t remember his name) wants a job from Gina, but his crim record is getting in the way. Sickener, Teach.

P.S. Dr. Sid tweeted us!

@homeandawayie that is very much appreciated morag .. Xx

— Rob Mammone (@RobMammone) May 7, 2013

For a second there, I thought I was watching the wrong show. Between April and dishy doctor-teacher Jake (Twomey?), and Dex and his prankster nurse, it was like being back in Seattle Grace. Are there a few intra-medical romances coming our way? I do hope so.

Casey and Tamara moved in together, in a gaff that Brax had but never used. You could’ve put one of your many house guests in there, Darryl. There was a bit of nudiness, then Casey broke out the moodboards, and decorated the place. He has a real knack. The first interior designer River Boy.

Romeo has my heart broke already. He is croaky, he is bewildered, and he still hasn’t told Indi. Bit mean of him to keep asking his buds to keep his secret, and isn’t he wasting time, the very commodity he’s so concerned about?

Liam Murphy is actually leaving now. He’s giving it another go with Ash. Is that the son or the ex-wife? Either way, tomorrow is probably his last episode, if he obeys the rules of the Summer Bay Time Warp.

Romeo is hastening his own death by quitting chemo. His reason for this suicidal course of action is because he’s trying to hide his condition from his wife and this will be harder to do if he’s suffering the effects of life-saving treatment. He’s worried what effect telling her the truth will have on her, making him losing his own life a small price to pay. He has a history of stupid moves, failing his HSE on purpose, but this takes the biscuit, or tim tam.

Dex is back working as a nurse in the hospital but isn’t allowed to deal with the patients so he’s stuck to mopping floors and the like. He doesn’t seem too enamoured with it all. April thinks their break-up is going very well and reckons it’s only a matter of time before they are re-united. She seemed so sure about it that it made me think fate, or the universe, has other ideas.

Heath went to see a counsellor, twice. He only walked out once, which wasn’t bad given his short fuse. Bianca managed him pretty well in this episode, she seems to spend most of her time dealing with the last Heath explosion, it’s like the grenade on his neck has a three minute fuse that keeps getting reset every time it goes off.

The cops showed up after Heath kept Darcy out of school, so Bianca suggested he go to therapy, in order to show Connie he’s a new man and well capable of taking care of his daughter. In the words of Gob Bluth, this is priceless. Imagine Heath in therapy!

Therapist: Mr. Braxton, you are a very angry man.

Heath: I don’t give a stuff.

Therapist: Where do you think this anger is coming from?

Heath: Work it out for yourself, genius.

In other news, I can’t figure Dex and April out at all. They’re together, they’re not together, they’re friends, they’re not friends, it’s ok to study together, it’s not ok to study together ahhhhhh.

April invited some very cool dude to study with her. He thought it was a date. Cringe. Then Dex showed up. Double cringe. It transpired that they are buds from chess club. Triple cringe – for them hahahaahah.

It’s all ok again in the caravan park, after the Next Level Debacle. I reckon Alf will start stoning flamin’ crows if Roo doesn’t stop being so dramatic.

Marilyn walked in on Maddy and Spencer as things were getting hot and heavy. They discussed taking things to the next level in his van but were interrupted. Roo and Harvey had to deal with the fall out and decided to sit them down for the talk. Now Spencer doesn’t think he’s ready while Maddy was trying to pounce on him down the beach. Young love eh?

Dex is feeling much better these days, remembering everything. April on the other hand is having problems dealing with the stress and anxiety of Uni and is reverting to her OCD ways. Sid saw her behaviour and is concerned. She lost the plot when trying to deal with her timetable and came back to the diner in tears. Are college timetables that difficult to follow, especially for somebody who got into medicine?

Nat and Zack had a tête-à-tête in the diner after he had confronted Brax on the beach. Zack asked the River boss to stay away from Nat; he replied that it was Nat who needed to be told to steer clear of him. Liam met Nat on the beach for a chat, wearing full biker gear while she was wearing minuscule gym gear. Does Liam have reptilian blood?

By the way it seems that we got it wrong on Liam, he didn’t leave the Bay after all. He met Romeo on the clifftop last Friday and the kid put Liam’s problems into perspective by revealing his terminal cancer. Hopefully that will snap Liam out of his recent funk. He’ll have to find a job somewhere, not many options open to him in the Bay now.

Sasha thinks she’s going to vom for some reason, I hope she doesn’t get it all over Dex now that he’s the most popular man on campus again. He’s stoked to be back in the swing of things. Dex says that Uni is going so well that it feels like he’s drinking from the fountain of knowledge. April confided in Sasha that Uni didn’t go quite so well for her. She also wants Dex back, but he remains oblivious to the fact. Sasha pushed them back together and they eventually admitted that things hadn’t been going as well as they had been letting on. Hopefully they’ll get back together and quit their messing.

Jett is still being bullied by Tilda. Sasha interrupted the latest incident and told him to rat her out to Gina, but Jett thinks it’s pointless for some reason. He later reluctantly agreed though, and John was called in for the consultation with the head mistress. They told him to turn the other cheek, which he’s trying to do, but it’s tough going. Gina called the ma in but she turns out to be a wagon who thinks her daughter can do no wrong. Tilda hasn’t let up and is continuing to abuse Jett, hard old station for him.

Liam is at a low ebb again. He’s been sacked from his job for theft, and his ex-wife is getting re-married to his arch enemy. He had a heart to heart with Irene where she told him he’d bounce back. He took his ill-gotten gains from Angelo’s and posted them to his son. Then he mounted his bike and sped off. Is that the end of the rock god’s Bayside stay? If so, he’s gone out with a wimper rather than a bang.

TwoTube are going to have a special guest in studio tomorrow, none other than Luke Mitchell who plays Romeo, they should ask him how the new gym is going.

Heath told Bianca she was doing his head in, because she had a mickeyfit when he proposed. You and me both, Heath old boy.

Heath is so easily led, though, that he’ll soon come around to Bianca’s way of thinking. It only took Celia 10 minutes to brainwash him. He’s so angry and simple.

There’s no room for April in Irene’s; she’ll have to head off into the wide blue yonder and become a doctor. You can’t really stay in the Bay once you go to Uni. Indi manages it, but she barely goes, she’s far too busy working in the diner Angelo’s. Dani had a few Uni scenes, but took off shortly afterwards. Countless others have just disappeared into the arms of education.

Roo is being extra-extra weird around Maddie and Spencer. What’s it all about, Harvey?

Do you think we will ever see Lottie again? Maybe she died of those measles/chickenpox.