“Oh come off it love, I didn’t fall off the back of a turnip truck.” He never disappoints.

Right, Home and Away is on a wee break.  I think the only course of action is to write our own episode.

I’ll start:

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FADE-IN INT. KITCHEN OF SUMMER BAY CARAVAN PARK – DAY

A HANDSOME MAN enters

CLOSE-UP: Alf Stewart

ALF (calling)

Hello?  Hello?  Strewth, there’s never anyone around when you flamin’ need them.

MEDIUM SHOT – MILES ENTERS FROM HALLWAY

MILES (mumbling with mouth full of food)

Oh, Alf, what’s with all the commotion?

ALF (hurriedly)

You’ll never flamin’ guess what’s just happened down at the bait shop, come and help or I’ll tan your backside!

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Over to you, there.

Alf did have a point when he told Irene off. The SES are called into action every 5 minutes at the rate of accidents in the Bay. It must have the highest DPC (disaster per capita) rate in Australia. Oh my Gawdfather!

‘You’re lucky I didn’t call the flamin’ wallopers!’ sez Alf, referring to the cops.  I wonder how they got that nickname?

“I’m not doing to let the business go down the girbler”. Not sure how to spell that.

“Flamin’ women, eh? Think they run the joint.”

“IS HE GETTING THE WRONG END OF THE PINEAPPLE!!” [ouch]

“Sally just told me you’re holding Ric. What the flamin’ hell’s going on?” Alf tries to get some answers from the local bizzies.

“Stone the flamin’ crows”. Alf is no bird lover.

“Bit of a flippertygibbet, is he?”