Right, Home and Away is on a wee break.  I think the only course of action is to write our own episode.

I’ll start:

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FADE-IN INT. KITCHEN OF SUMMER BAY CARAVAN PARK – DAY

A HANDSOME MAN enters

CLOSE-UP: Alf Stewart

ALF (calling)

Hello?  Hello?  Strewth, there’s never anyone around when you flamin’ need them.

MEDIUM SHOT – MILES ENTERS FROM HALLWAY

MILES (mumbling with mouth full of food)

Oh, Alf, what’s with all the commotion?

ALF (hurriedly)

You’ll never flamin’ guess what’s just happened down at the bait shop, come and help or I’ll tan your backside!

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Over to you, there.

“Doing it tough” is the current phrase du jour in Summer Bay, and with good reason.

• Aden’s still doing it tough due to Belle’s death.  Surprisingly he didn’t get over it in a week.  I think the Summer Bay time warp is weakening.
• Sid is doing it tough trying to ward off Nicole.
• Charlie’s doing it tough trying to nail Grant for every rape in Oz.
• Jai is doing it tough because he can’t get his hands on Annie.
• Ruby’s doing it tough because she can’t decide between Xavier and Geoff.
• Widower dude’s doing it tough because he has a baby and no wife to help with the childrearing.  Rachel or Leah will sort that out for him.
• Hugo and Confused Martha are doing it tough because the authorities don’t like their shipwreck idea.
• Kirsty and Miles are doing it tough because they’re having a babog and only one of them is bothered with it.

Brendan is the only one having any craic; I wonder what Ruby II was wearing when he was talking to her?

It’s a badly-kept secret that Irene feels a great affinity with our fair isle.  So we decided to celebrate it in t-shirt form.  Now you can pray along with Irene, or just show your support for eh, her support.

gawdsaveireland

Apparently the phrase “God save Ireland” comes from a rebel song.  Home and Away is so educational.

Lynne truly has some classic lines.  Anytime someone goes a bit daft, she’s enquiring about the contents of their skull.  Personally, I think there are a few pebbles rattling around in her noggin, as she would say herself.  The reason being that her hair is nuts.  It hasn’t been the same since she got out of jail.  It’s like she tried to curl her hair but failed.  Buy that woman a GHD, someone.  It’s actually not that bad in the picture below.

(image from whatsontv.co.uk)

Alf did have a point when he told Irene off. The SES are called into action every 5 minutes at the rate of accidents in the Bay. It must have the highest DPC (disaster per capita) rate in Australia. Oh my Gawdfather!

“Even blind Freddy could see that love.”

Who is this blind Freddy that Irene keeps banging on about? Apparently he’s quite observant. Maybe he’s not blind at all. It’s a pity that he’s not on the school trip to the bush as he might have spotted Trey making a deathlist and Jai succumbing to an infected gunshot wound. Yet again, a field trip turns into a disaster. Why does anybody ever leave the bay?

“Just because you’ve no culture Alf Stewart, doesn’t mean you have to knock the rest of us thespians”.  Colleen gets all of the best lines.

‘You’re lucky I didn’t call the flamin’ wallopers!’ sez Alf, referring to the cops.  I wonder how they got that nickname?

“The rumour’s been spreading like wildlife” according to Colleen. But what type of wildlife?  A koala?  A dingo?  Maybe it was the fabled summer bay Bunyip.

“You get your boney butt back here girlie!”