Let’s write our own episode
August 3rd, 2010 by Ailsa
Right, Home and Away is on a wee break. I think the only course of action is to write our own episode.
I’ll start:
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FADE-IN INT. KITCHEN OF SUMMER BAY CARAVAN PARK – DAY
A HANDSOME MAN enters
CLOSE-UP: Alf Stewart
ALF (calling)
Hello? Hello? Strewth, there’s never anyone around when you flamin’ need them.
MEDIUM SHOT – MILES ENTERS FROM HALLWAY
MILES (mumbling with mouth full of food)
Oh, Alf, what’s with all the commotion?
ALF (hurriedly)
You’ll never flamin’ guess what’s just happened down at the bait shop, come and help or I’ll tan your backside!
______________________________________________________________________
Over to you, there.
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August 4th, 2010
MILES (mumbling with mouth full of food)
Can I finish my burger first?
ALF (hurriedly)
There’s no time for that ye flamin’ galla, Marylin needs our help at the bait shop
MILES (still mumbling while being dragged out the door)
What’s she done now, broken a nail while reading Madge Wilkin’s palm?
ALF (getting exasperated)
Worse than that, she accidentally opened a gate to hell with her mumbo jumbo. No doubt that wooden doll is to blame. Now get a wriggle on or the whole bay could go down the gurgler.
Miles (getting dragged out the door)
But I have had my desert yet.
EXIT STAGE LEFT
August 5th, 2010
SWITCH TO THE DINER:
LEAH: God Irene, I’m so busy!I’ve had to use the clippers to put salad on three plates!
IRENE: God Save Ireland Leah, you better take a rest!Plus Veej is out there and he’s wondering where his dad/stepdad/Roman you’re like a dad/nearly vicar stepdad is.
LEAH: Oh no…it’s time for the talk!
COLLEEN: Yoohoo,only me!I heard you’re having the talk?!Well if you’re going to have the “I’ll love any man that pays me attention” talk I suggest you call my niece Martha…she’ll give you the tips she used when she gave the talk to Bam Bam.
LEAH: Great stuff Colleen, now can you please start serving?If I have to walk to the fridge and take out the salad bowl one more time….
IRENE: It’s stressful isn’t it? Imagine how we felt when we could take orders on the burger phone…
ZOOMS OUT ON BOTH REMINISING…
August 5th, 2010
NICOLE APPEARS ON BEACH IN SEXY SWIMWEAR
BREATHES IN DEEPLY
CHEST RISES
PENN SUDDENLY APPEARS
Penn: G’day *slightly evil smirk*
Nicole: Hoiiye. *twirls hair, corner of mouth smile*
Penn: *intense stare*
Nicole: *intense stare*
*LENGTHY PASH*
WHILE ABOVE BEACH ON GREEN AREA
RACHEL ANGRILY PUSHES HARRY’S PRAM
WHILE ASHEN FACED TONY RUNS ALONGSIDE
Rachel: I just cannot BE-LIEEEEVE you Tony, after all we’ve been through you go and do something like this?!
Tony: Er, eh… *pulls at collar* look, Rache…
Rachel: OIYE-NOIYE! Whats going on at the pier down by the baaayte shop? Lucky I have my doc bag with meeee…
NEXT SCENE?
August 5th, 2010
INTERIOR OF BAIT SHOP/MARILYNS FORTUNE TELLING-HUT
Alf and Miles come in, Marilyn is in a flap (She is wearing purple wraparound top and red polka dot treble clef earrings)
MARILYN: Oh Mr Stewart, oh dear, what have I done?!
ALF: Calm down Marilyn, we’ll sort it out. Now where’s this portal?
MARILYN: Oh dear it was here a minute ago! You wouldn’t believe it Mr Stewart, I was just quietly putting together some seduction spells for that nice man Mr Penn and a great big FLAME just BURST out of NOWHERE…Oh Dr Rachel, I’m so glad you’re here!
RACHEL has entered, Tony behind her holding Baby Harry.
RACHEL: What’s going on? There’s people running around panicked outside – I actually thought for a moment someone had been hurt in the awful boxing club [shoots Tony an evil glance]
CUT to Miles rummaging through Marilyn’s feather boas and crystals looking for something to eat. He stops in horror, a fixed gaze on his face
MILES: Rabbit! You’re back!
EVERYONE: Where?
Miles points to a blank wall. Just then Mr Oddley pops up like a jack-in-the-box
ALF (screaming hysterically) STRIKE ME ROAN!!!
ALF runs behind Marilyn screaming GET THAT CREEPY WOODEN DEMON AWAY FROM ME!!
There is complete bedlam. All at once a voice comes from the door
MORAG: Alfred, what is this nonsense!
EVERYONE stops dead…
August 6th, 2010
Scene cuts to Summer bay high
(camera enters through the a window leading into the music class but the camera man however bangs his head against the glass- knocking himself out cold)
Liam Murphy is looking extra slick dressed up in a leather jacket with the collar stuck up, chewing Wrigley’s gum and trying to impress the school girls with his Elvis impersonations whilst playing some lame tune on his guitar, he makes a cheesy joke in which only he laughs at before pulling an Elvis facial expression and winking at one of the terrified school girls!
LIAM: “Which one of you groovy chicks fancies joining me for a harmless coffee at the diner then? strictly as teacher and student mind you”
Suddenly the window at the back of the classroom blows open! a gush of wind blows in and a boy screams out “God save Ireland it’s another Cyclone! RUN!…..
August 8th, 2010
BACK IN THE DINER
Everyone assumes the usual panic position i.e. sitting on the floor of the kitchen. Leah is mega-flustered.
LEAH: We’ll never have enough floor space for all of these people! And where are Elijah and Veeeeeeeej? I’m going to go and look for them!
IRENE: Calm down, love, it’s only a natural disaster.
COLLEEN: Oh but Irene, remember the last time there was a high wind, young Michael got whisked out to sea and perished, the poor love.
LEAH: Oh my God!
COLLEEN: And then we had those bush fires, and the earthquake where the old Diner collapsed. Oh no, we don’t have a good track record with disasters at all.
LEAH: That’s it, I’m going after them! *Runs out of diner*
IRENE: Now look what you’ve done, you’ve scared her witless with her morbid talk.
COLLEEN: Well forewarned is forearmed, I remember the time Madge Wilkins….
END SCENE
August 9th, 2010
INT. BAIT SHOP – DAY
The dark forces of the portal are now circling on the ceiling. The colours and patterns are even more lurid than Marilyn’s clothing.
ALF (jaw dropping)
Stone the flamin’ crows Sis, what brings you here?
MORAG
I haven’t received a call for legal aid in a while but knowing the way this town operates, I knew there would be some catastrophic event taking place so I came over on the off chance. I must saw, a gateway to hell wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
ALF (flapping his hands at her)
Don’t just stand there woman, do something about it!
MILES (making do with a handful of worms as no other food can be found)
What do you want her to do Alf, begin legal proceedings against the portal? I don’t know if we can wait that long.
MORAG
Thanks for taking time out from your meal to bless us with your pearls of wisdom Miles. I’m afraid he’s right Alfred. Even my black lipstick won’t be enough to close the portal.
MARILYN (clip clopping around the shop)
I was only trying to read the tarrot cards when all of the lights started flashing and swirling around. Ooh Mr Stewart, whatever are we to do?
ALF (picking up Mr. Oddly)
Strike me roan woman, I know a good place to start. Good riddance!
ALF DROP KICKS THE DUMMY INTO THE PORTAL
MARILYN
Oh no, Mr, Stewart, I don’t think you should have done that.
A VOICE FROM THE REAR OF THE SHOP
She’s right Alf
THEY ALL TURN TO SEE A FRIDGE WITH A FACE ON THE DOOR
ALF
Ailsa!
END SCENE
August 9th, 2010
*annoying ad break*
WIMAX! Its coming across the naaay-shon… Dobee dobee dobee dobee dobee do, something something something, Imagine Dot IE.
*back to Summer Bay*
August 10th, 2010
NEXT SCENE. THE BEACH CLOSE TO THE DINER.
LEAH RUNS ALONG THE BEACH SHOUTING VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVJJJAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, ELIJAAAAAAH AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE..
SHE SPOTS CHARLIE, RELAXING ON A BENCH HAVING A TAKEAWAY COFFEE.
LEAH
Have you seen VJ and Elijah anywhere ? I need to find them before they are blown away by this storm. Its gonna be the worst disaster in Summer Bay history. I gotta find them before its too late. I’ve lost 2 husbands already. I can’t lose another one. Help me!
CHARLIE
Calm down Leah. What storm ? We check the surfing, I mean, the weather forecasts at the station every morning and there was no mention of a storm. THINKS FOR A MINUTE .. You haven’t been talking to Colleen , have you ?
LEAH
As a matter of fact I have . I just left her and Irene and the Others taking shelter in the Diner . Why ?
CHARLIE
She’s gone and got her wires crossed that’s why! Theres a storm coming to the Bay alright but its a rock band “The Storm” not a real storm. They’re coming from the City to do support at Liam Murphy’s comeback gig. The tickets are like gold dust. Ruby told me all about it this morning.
LEAH
OH thank God. Thats the best news I’ve had all day. I’ll go and tell everyone that its gonna be ok. Veej and Elijah have probably gone to try and get tickets for the gig. Oh thank you Charlie ..
CHARLIE
Smiles.. #Just doing my job . Will the Diner be open again soon ? It’s just I promised Ruby I’d meet her there for coffee. The school had to close for the day cos of a broken window. Some film crew were there, making a movie about Miles and his pet Rabbit and their wind machine got out of control apparently. Wonder where Rubes is, I just give her a call ……
MOBILE PHONE RINGS, DROWNED OUT BY THE NOISE.
RUBY
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes Liam, a little more please, just there, yes thats it, oh yes, yes ! Its great to be with a guy who knows what he’s doing! Xavier was such a loser in bed and Geoff spent so much time praying, we never had enough time for this. Oh,oh, oh oh yes….
LIAM, QUICKLY CHECKING HIS LOOKS IN THE BEDSIDE MIRROR.
Its all right Rubes, I know how good I am. I told Nic she was really missing out when she gave me the brush off. Guys with my talents don’t come round here too often. Damm, that phone keeps ringing. I’ll check who it is, it’s only your mum. SWITCHES OFF PHONE. (THINKS CHARLIE, MMM NOT BAD FOR A MUM…WHY DON’T I PAY THAT PARKING TICKET I GOT LAST WEEK, GIVE ME AN EXCUSE TO CHECK HER OUT, HANDCUFFS,UNIFORM MMM…)
RUBY
Liam , in case you’ve forgotten I’m still here! GIGGLES. That’s better. I need some of your extra tuition, Mr Murphy. There’s a few things I can’t seem to do very well on my own……….
SCENE fades with Liam and Ruby entwined , in soft focus of course.
August 10th, 2010
Eh gone a bit porno there PeterKevin, and what happened our PORTAL TO HELL ooooooh?
August 11th, 2010
Morag stares at the portal to hell and it closes in fear.
August 12th, 2010
Well Ailsa someone has to try and make up for the absence of Martha and her pole dancing talents!!!!
August 12th, 2010
You know, I presumed I’d enjoy it if we made our version of Summer Bay a little more x-rated than we’re used to but after PeterKevin’s input I crave more innocent times…
CUT TO SHOT OF BEACH
Romeo emerges from the sea with surfboard under his arm looking desolate. He shakes the salty hair from in front of his eyes and squints into the sunlight. He sees a mirage. It can’t be. IT IS! Its Annie running towards him in a white dress! Romeo starts slo mo running towards her. They embrace and Annie is swung around & around, while they both laugh delighted. Then they pash.
Ah lovely.
August 13th, 2010
Then they are both swallowed up by the portal. WOOHOO!!!!!!
August 13th, 2010
Diner:
COLLEEN: Now you know me, I’m not one to gossip,but Madge Wilkins just poked me on Facebook and me young Annie was caught canoodling on the beach with young Romeo.Now my Lancey would never have done that.These young hooligans need a better role model!
IRENE:Hogan’s ghost Colleen, they were just having a kiss.There’s no need to think they are going to go off to an abandoned island and make love, before being confronted by a mad stranger!
COLLEEN: Gina is letting the kids of this town run wild.
VOICE: Good thing Gina’s not principal anymore…I am…
(all turn to see Donald Flathead Fisher at the coffee machine.)
August 13th, 2010
God Save Ireland – that actually made my heart jolt. FISHER’S BACK?! Brilliant…
Continue, good people!
August 19th, 2010
———————————————————————
INT. BAIT SHOP – THE PORTAL TO HELL HAS BEEN CLOSED BY MORAG’S FEARSOME STARE.
MORAG, ALF, MILES AND MARILYN STARE AT THE FACE ON THE FRIDGE. MILES GAPES BLANKLY.
ALF: Strike me handsome. Is it really you Ails?
FACE(confused): Alf? What’s happening? Where am I?
ALF: Hogan’s Ghost. Ails?
ALF MOVES TO TOUCH THE FRIDGE FACE BUT MORAG STOPS HIM.
MORAG: No Alf, you stupid man.
ALF: What Morag? It’s Ails.
MARILYN: I don’t know Mr.Stewart. It came from the portal. Is it really you, Mrs. Stewart?
FACE: Marilyn, i’ve missed you. Come to me.
MARILYN MOVES FORWARD BUT IS STOPPED BY MORAG.
MORAG: Keep away from her.
FACE: You’re not afraid of little old Ails now, are you?
MORAG: Afraid of Ailsa? Don’t make me laugh. She may have been a father killer but her sense of goodness made me nauseous. Speaking of which, I don’t feel ill at all right now. Who are you?
FACE (laughs manically): Not who. Whom.
ALF: Ails?
MARILYN: Mrs. Stewart?
LAUGHING FACE JUTS FORWARD OUT OF THE FRIDGE FOLLOWED BY ITS BODY.
THE CREATURE CONTORTS AND TWISTS AND THERE IS A COLLECTIVE GASP FROM MARILYN, ALF AND MILES AS THE CREATURE SHIFTS BETWEEN ANGIE RUSSELL, EVE JACOBSEN, SARAH LEWIS, SAUL BENNETT, JOHNNY COOPER AND MAMA ROSE.
MORAG LOOKS BORED.
CREATURE: We are Legion.
August 19th, 2010
Ha ha HA! “Morag looks bored”
August 20th, 2010
*inhalation of breath*
Is this the changing face of Summer Bay in immortal demon form??
August 20th, 2010
JOHNNY COOPER: I am back as the most evil man who walked the street of Summer Bay…it is only one street after all!Mwhahaha!IF I can make my own brother stab someone,you’re all screwed!
ALF: Now listen here yobbo…
JOHNNY: Shut up old man!You’re a jerk!
EVERYONE GASPS!
MARILYN: I can’t believe he called you the j word Mr Stewart!Oh we need a saviour!!
DON: Here I am Marilyn!
MARILYN: Donald? My Mr Fisher?! Oh my tarot card!
DON: Yes it’s me.No-one messes with my town.Johnny Cooper,I know your family, and I knew your grand dad.Now quit all this Legion nonsense and go back to school.You can be our new PE teacher now Tony’s gone!
JOHNNY: Yeaaaaah!!!
August 26th, 2010
And they all lived happily ever after? Back to normal? Like the end of a Simpsons episode?
September 11th, 2010
lads,that was hilarious, I thought I’d wet myself… Well done to ye all!
August 17th, 2011
[...] Now that we’ve all had time to get used to the gap that Home and Away has left in our lives, it’s time to ease ourselves back into a Summer Bay mindset by writing our own episode. We did this last year and it was amazing. [...]