Penn is soooo mysterious.  He’s more of a man of mystery than Austin Powers.  He’s a mass of contradictions. On the one hand he’s a generous benefactor to Tony and the boxing club, on the other he framed Coleen as a thief and set fire to a police car. All the while he’s writing letters to his father and revealed that the whole family used to live in the bay.  So that begs the question, who is his father?  Can’t say that I have too many ideas but here are a few guess.

Dodge

Revhead

Jessie

Adam

The summer bay Bunyip

Who do you think it could be?

Well, romance is blooming in Summer Bay.  Marilyn had Dr. Sid stay over after she saw off love rival Nursey Nurse.  Whoop!

Ruby kissed Xavier because she is a total wagon.  After some sage advice from Tony and some dumb advice from Palmer, Xavier confessed to April, who thought it was grand.

However, Leah appears to be trying to get rid of Elijah.  She’s hinted a few times that he might like to go back to missionary work.  Does she want to marry him or not, like?

Charlie and Angelo are in the throes of a non-crisis.  He has to open his restaurant soon, to a deadline.  He should just do barbeque food for the first few days.  They’re mad for snags ’round there.

I thought he was too busy running his restaurant?

Aww did you see Alf giving Marilyn the world’s most reluctant fashion advice? His gruffness belies his kindliness. Lovely.

Marilyn found out about Sid’s meandering mickey.  It didn’t seem like she minded too much.  No better woman to put manners on him.

The new language teacher is dead foxy and has turned Liam’s head.  Ruby won’t like that.

Alf welcomed us back to the Bay after a lengthy break with a timely catchphrase, “stone the flamin’ crows”.  It’s like they never went away.

Things haven’t gotten any easier for Alf in the intervening period.  That pesky doll Mr. Oddley is still wrecking his buzz. Alf tried to kill him but he just wooden die.

The demonic dummy continues to make Alf’s life hell.  Marilyn is loving every minute of it but Alf is reaching the end of his tether.  I don’t think he’ll be able to take it much longer.  The Bay isn’t big enough for the both of them.  Mr. Stewart needs to get Mr. Oddley acquainted with dry rot or wood worm ASAP.

Struth has alerted us to the fact that Roo, daughter of Alf and mother of Martha, is returning to Summer Bay.  She will be played by a new actress; I love this madness.  They did it with Irene, Hayley, Pippa, and who knows how many else.

Bad timing on Roo’s behalf though, her daughter’s just skipped town.

Right, Home and Away is on a wee break.  I think the only course of action is to write our own episode.

I’ll start:

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FADE-IN INT. KITCHEN OF SUMMER BAY CARAVAN PARK – DAY

A HANDSOME MAN enters

CLOSE-UP: Alf Stewart

ALF (calling)

Hello?  Hello?  Strewth, there’s never anyone around when you flamin’ need them.

MEDIUM SHOT – MILES ENTERS FROM HALLWAY

MILES (mumbling with mouth full of food)

Oh, Alf, what’s with all the commotion?

ALF (hurriedly)

You’ll never flamin’ guess what’s just happened down at the bait shop, come and help or I’ll tan your backside!

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Over to you, there.